I look at this face every day and smile.



Anyone who says animals shouldn't be put in clothes has never seen Mr. Muggles in a hoodie.



He likes to lick my face off. I hate saliva but for him, I allow it.

I officially own 4 domains all dedicated to myself. I feel narcissistic.

I will be using SybilHawthorne.com as a gateway to three different sites: my modeling, my proDomme, and my financial domination sites.

SybilHawthorne.com is up now with my proDomme site, mixed with a modeling page. SpoilSybil.com is up too, which is the FinDom site.

I bought MsSybil.com and MsSybilHawthorne.com too, but it's just too late to start on those.

I actually want to make my current SH.com layout into my modeling site, and then redo my proDomme site with a new layout I found. :)

Hi, this entry is fairly pointless. I'll post more later.

“Your daily life is your temple and your religion. When you enter into it take with you your all.” -- Kahlil Gibran

There are few words meaningful enough to express the emotions that fill my heart with regards to Domina Angelina. She is a Woman like no other, who has taught me so much during O/our time together. The best words that I can use are devotion and faith. Serving Her has become a religion for me, a place to devote myself to One so amazing, so pure, so loving.

I liken Domina Angelina to my Mother Mary on earth, a Woman of such power and knowledge who can guide me in so many ways. She is my Star of the Sea, my Angel, my Seraphina.

“Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.” -- St. Francis of Assisi

It is with great pride and pleasure that I would like to announce my new position beneath Domina Angelina.

She has graciously allowed me to become Her disciple. Through this new position and path, I hope to continue Her legacy of love, honor, respect, empowerment, and education. I hope to be a light to those in the dark, just as She has been for me. I hope to continue making the world a better place, to educate those about the wonders of BDSM, to help people find their path in this community and this world.

“Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” – James 1:2-4

I proudly enter this new position, and look forward to the trials that are forthcoming.

Through Her fire, I will be reborn. Through Her love, I will be completed.

“True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate his life, through devotion, to something beyond himself.” – Henry Miller

I have found the Woman to whom I will devote myself, forever and always. She is my Domina, now and forever, and I am truly blessed to have been accepted by Her.

Recently I had the flu. I was in bed for about a week, on and off. Since getting better, I've been a bit manic in my desire to Get Things Done.

I cleaned the house today. I cleaned the bathroom and kitchen, then swept and mopped the floors. I hate cleaning floors. They never seem to really get clean enough.

Then I did laundry, which probably had been piling up for about a month. Six loads and hours later, I am finally done.

It was while doing laundry that I noticed something. My first two loads were completely comprised of towels. As I pulled them out of the dryer and folded them, I grabbed two towels out of the pile: two which I brought with me to California.

They sat in stark contrast to the other towels, which had been given to me by my Domina. They were towels that were not up to Dungeon standards, but which were (in my opinion) still really nice. These are towels that might be a bit frayed or might be a bit discoloured.

Seeing my old towels, I realized just how lucky I am. The old towels were really thin when they were bought, and have only gotten thinner. They are threadbare in spots, if not bearing actual holes. They are stained from years of dying my hair dark.

Sometimes it's just the little things that brighten my heart. As I took a shower, and dried myself off with a nice fluffy towel from my Domina, I felt loved. I feel taken care of. I feel spoiled.

Please don't think I'm saying my mother didn't love me or take care of me, by providing me with those towels. Honestly, she uses similar towels herself at home. Growing up with little to no money, fluffy towels were just a luxury that we never splurged on. Towels were always thin and a bit too small to really wrap around well. We owned one beach towel, which still sits in my mother's bathroom closet, and I would ask permission to use that if I felt extra special.

It's nice to use fluffy "special occasion" towels all the time now.

Domina and i have started a new path in Oour relationship. Some things came up within me, that needed to be addressed. Things like having a husband and a family some day.

Domina and my Mother are the two most important people to me. The fact that the other person is my Mother made me start thinking about the dynamic between Domina and i. i knew (and know) that i always want Domina in my life, no matter where my life takes me.

So i now have a Mommy. Domina is my Mommy and i am Her girl.

i do find it funny that the girl who used to be squicked by Daddy/girl or Mommy/girl relationships is now in one. i understand the need, though, to be little, to be nurtured, to be supported. i understand the need to love in a purely devotional way. i always thought my Mother was special. Not like other people. And i know that Domina is the same way. Perhaps in what they mean to me, i don't know.

The dynamic is still new, so i don't have much more to discuss.

i was given words a bit ago. i had a breakdown around July 4, and was unable to do much of anything. So i am finally getting to them.

model
This is a double edged one for me right now. i am getting back into modeling. For the past 6+ months, i have felt miserably ugly. my skin has been awful. i have not felt like much of a model. Not only do i model myself, but i help Domina with a pay site. So i see pro models all the time. i constantly compare myself.

Luckily, my skin is almost clear again. i still have lots of red spots, but the acne seems to be dying down. i am beginning to feel like myself again.

tears
Tears are a wonderful comfort. Even if they are from sadness, i just love the feeling of crying. When i was younger, i would often daydream about horrible things happening, just to feel the pain and to cry. Crying is like an internal shower. Just as a regular shower cleans your body, crying cleans my spirit.

dancing
Recently, dancing has become more important to me. i went to the Combichrist concert with ivy a bit back. i knew that i needed to dance for hours. i planned on not caring what anyone thought, and just going all out. It was really amazing. It helps my anxiety some to wear out my physical body, and dancing's a fun way to do that.

devotion
The flavour of my devotion has changed recently, into one that i feel fits better. i think that devotion is love without expectations. It is a selfless kind of love that can purify yourself, that can heal others. i like to think that my devotion does that for me, and for my Domina.

gender
my gender is always complicated. Since i don't really want to take steps to change my physical appearance, i sorta gave up on telling people about my gender. Sometimes i don't feel gender variant "enough" and so i just stay quiet on it. Having a gender variant brother in the Family makes me notice it more, but in a good way. i guess i mostly identify as a fag now. Even writing that, i worry i'll offend so many people. It's just the way that my gender feels. It sums up how i see the world and my attractions and such.

i feel really weird discussing this, so i'm going to stop now.

Lately i have been so anxious. i am not really sure why i am anxious, or how to fix it. It's many things all thrown together, so it's almost impossible to weed out the offending topic and fix it.

i smoke later at night, and as soon as i do, i start panicking about the littlest things. After every message i send, i wonder if i will offend the person. i rethink what i wrote, wondering how it could be taken wrong. i overanalyze all my actions that day, wondering what was wrong.

There's no one telling me i am wrong. i just worry.

i have been grinding my teeth again. my jaw is sore.

To help my anxiety, i work supersuper hard for a few hours, then play video games. It helps to balance me out and help me relax. Just cram the work into a few hours, knowing i can escape later.

Also, a note: my high heel training has ended. my left knee started to ache, and so it was decided that the training should end.

New default icon. It is a smaller version of ( this picture (NSFW: boobs) )

As part of my slavehood, i have high heel training. What this means is that i am not allowed to walk in flat shoes unless at home (ie, slippers). i am also allowed to walk flatfooted when barefoot.

High heel training was something that interested me since i found out about it. i do like the idea of changing my body through a willful act, such as wearing high heel shoes. i like the idea that i am changing my body under my Domina's guidance and will. i think i will grow to feel more graceful and feminine.

Right now, mostly my feet hurt. i do delight in the sore feet, though, as a sort of badge for my training.

i find that i need to be better put together. One cannot throw on sweats, an old tshirt, and a pair of heels. Generally, the outfits need to be less casual and more put together. i do like the idea of putting together outfits, especially when my Domina comments on my appearance.

There is an aspect of it that is bringing to light insecurities of mine. With being more focused on my appearance, in terms of shoes and clothes, it makes me notice my skin more.

i haven't really discussed my skin much. It's an issue that is really causing me a lot of emotional grief. i have had clear-ish skin for most of my life, until recently. i am always broken out, and have red marks from past breakouts. As a model, i am selling my appearance. my skin issues have made me feel like less of a model, less of a woman, less attractive period.

Some might question if the high heel training is a good idea, if it is causing me insecurities. The training is not; it is simply highlighting what was already there. Certainly by having more put together clothes and shoes, my confidence in my appearance can only increase. my insecurities about my face might be more present, since i have worked on other things.

i am working on myself, to face my insecurities. For awhile, i would not leave the house without makeup on. i realized i was only prolonging the breakouts, because the makeup probably wasn't allowing my face to breathe. i've started not wearing foundation except for events and photo shoots.

This entry is a bit disjointed, as it is 3am. my roommate brought his girlfriend over to watch a movie on his new tv, and they left around 2am. i have grown accustomed to sleeping in an empty apartment, and i find myself unable to fully fall asleep when he is here. i also felt odd about showering with her here, so i did that after they left. Lofts are rather awkward sometimes.

Off to watch some tv as i fall asleep...

Being in service to my Sera means that i am must serve Her properly in all aspects of thought and action.

i must do everything in my power to be the best slave possible. As a proper slave, i must put my Sera first above everything else. i must change myself to be the best slave She desires. i must not have wants, needs or expectations. i must shape myself to desire and appreciate what is gifted to me.

i must comply with any and all orders given to me. i must follow orders even when i do not understand them, agree with them, or like them. i must follow orders completely and without question or hesitation. i must complete any and all tasks given to me to the best of my ability. If my ability is not enough to complete the task, then i must gain the skills needed if possible. i must be honest about my shortcomings, if i cannot complete the orders given to me.

i must reserve my body only for my Sera. It is not to be touched by A/anyone else, including myself. i am not to desire A/anyone but Her. i am not to engage in sexual activity with A/anyone but Her, unless She approves otherwise. i am to remain chaste unless told to be otherwise.

At all times, i must remember that i am a reflection of my Sera. i am to impress others with my service, protocol, skills, etc. so that they are impressed with my Sera. i am to remember my place at all times, that i am a slave at all times, and act accordingly. There is no time when i am not a slave and there is no time when i am not in service.

i must do what is best for my Sera. my concern should always be to make my Sera's life happier and easier. This means following orders as given, but also making decisions on my own with this goal in mind.

Being in service means allowing my Sera to guide me, shape me, and determine who and what She wants me to be. i am an empty vessel and She will transform me into what She desires. i am not to demand or to expect transformation, but i am to embrace it.

Finally, being in service to my Sera means doing anything and everything She desires, orders and wishes. Being in service is shaped by Her, and thus i can only lay the foundations. Being in service to Her is an honor and a gift, of which She has complete control.

Some of Y/you might remember my steamy Red Chair photoshoot.

Well, now the Red Chair is having a contest!



Click on the image above to vote for me! Or visit: http://www.redchaircash.com/contest/

There is no registration needed, and Y/you can vote once a day.

The winners will be announced on July 1.

Thank Y/you!

i just finished my punishment for my earlier transgression. The punishment was:

Week One: 20 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger each night
Week Two: 30 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger each night
Week Three: 40 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger each night
Ending Night: 46 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger

(Please note this rubber flogger was not one of the smaller ones, but one of the hefty floggers with thicker rubber tails. Each tail ends in a diagonal cut.)

i have been ordered to finish the punishment by now forgiving myself.

i have to admit, the punishment did help me. i was already terribly horribly upset at what i had done. (And again, no, what i did will not be discussed.) However, i had no idea on how to repent and move on to better service.

The punishment allowed me to feel that i was doing something to repent. i was following my Domina's orders, doing what She felt was necessary. i made sure that each stroke was a good one, not counting the strokes that didn't hit right and were thus weaker.

By the last week, i had learned how to twist my hand while self-flagellating, to make the ends sting more. i often wrapped to make the pain worse. i felt i needed to do everything in my power to make my physical suffering the worst it could be. i feel i was also fueled on by the lack of marks. i know that flogger can cut, but i think self-flagellation is at such an angle where it is very difficult to achieve such force. As such, i decided that marks wouldn't come, but i could wrap and splay the ends to make them sting.

i often would do my punishment before showering, so that the hot water would hit the raw skin and make it burn. One time i did reverse it, and it did make the strokes hurt more.

Now that i am done, i am unsure of what to say. i am in a bit of a weird emotional space from the weekend, with my cat having gone psycho because my friend stayed, at the fact that my friend is now gone back to Vegas, and with the general stress of having an event over the weekend. However, the negative is also balanced with the love for my Domina and the happiness at seeing Her have a good birthday. So i am weirdly happy and depressed at the same time.

i am thankful that i was allowed to have a punishment. i am thankful that i was given something to ease my pain, as that is something i probably don't even deserve. i am most thankful for my Domina ordering me to forgive myself.

i don't want to make this all about me and my pain. But i really needed Her order to do so. As many submissives and slaves know, there are things you simply cannot do for yourself, but can do for your Dom(me). For me, i am unable to forgive myself for me, but if She desires me to do so, then i must.

Through following Her orders, i am granted the inner peace of being allowed to forgive myself. i cannot say that it's a light switch, turned off and now i'm 100% better. But i know She wants me to forgive myself, and so i put all my energy behind doing so.

In following Her orders, in following Her wishes, in following Her desires ... i cannot fail.

Guilt.

It's something that is eating me up inside and making things worse for me.

The problem is: i should feel guilty. i did something wrong, and i should feel bad for it. i shouldn't get the luxury of getting over it easily.

The issue is: what do i do when my guilt is so bad that it's causing me to continue to fuck up?

my guilt is causing my DID to act up, because the intensity of emotion i feel is too great. i hate myself inside and thus i want to run away. i try my best to stay present, but all i can do is wish i was someone else. That's a very dangerous thing to wish when you are multiple.

So i have been half present, co-conscious with other parts of myself. The other parts don't realize my place as a slave. They don't realize the things i need to remember, to take into consideration, to live by.

So without realizing, i upset my Domina again on Sunday. Something big wasn't present in my mind, and i acted without considering it.

Did i forget it? Sort of. DID is hard to explain. Once someone reminds me of something, i automatically remember it. But if they don't mention it, it's like it doesn't exist.

i don't want to use my DID as an excuse. i am trying everything i can do to get back to my good place. i have talked to my alters, to make sure they realize it's important that everyone lives up to the expectations i have taken on. i have tried to put rules into place to ensure that i do not mess up again.

It comes back to guilt. Guilt caused me to shrink back into myself. Shrinking back caused another mistake. That mistake caused more guilt.

i have been researching the internet, trying to find discussions of getting over guilt. It hasn't been very fruitful yet.

i feel bad even posting this here. i don't want people to go "oh it's okay" to me. i don't want compassion. i don't want comfort. i don't believe i deserve any of those things.

i guess that's the issue: i don't want to let go of the guilt yet. i feel i need to suffer, far more than i have so far, in order to truly be considered worthy again. i feel that suffering will cleanse me, perhaps, of what i have done.

But i cannot let this be about me. Even by saying i don't want comfort, i am making my guilt the most important. Serving is the most important thing, and i need to focus on that.

i am doing everything in my power to make sure that i don't fuck up again. To make sure that i ask for everything, check in on everything, do everything i should be doing.

i just really hate who i am lately.

The world is dark, loud, and confusing.

i am not sure if i am awake or asleep.
i am not sure if i am sober or high.
i am not sure if i am alive or dead.

i hate being in this place. A place which is neither real nor fake. A place which is everything and nothing.

Everything is there, if i think hard enough. But nothing is there if i am not reminded of it.

It is in this place where i feel like i could lose control, where i feel like i could get lost and never find my way back, the place where i feel really insane.

And i hate being me in times like these.

Since Friday i have been feeling 'half here.' That is the best way to describe a period of dissociation.

i know, vaguely, where i am, who i am, what time it is, etc. But i don't really FEEL those things.

i look around and can see that i live in a loft in downtown San Diego. i can look at my collar and see i am a slave to Domina Angelina. i can look at Zim and see i have a pet cat.

But i don't feel like these things are real.

Dissociation is quite difficult for me, being a slave. i need to be on. i need to be focused. i need to know who i am in order to serve.

i went to Palm Sunday Mass today. That helped a bit. i always feel a bit calmer after going to Mass. i got my palms (which was really a single palm 'leaf' rather than a whole frond) and even bought a palm tree from the store.

Right now i am doing my anal training (at 5.5" circumference now), trying to refocus into my body. The 5.5" plug is bigger than normal, as my other one was 5". Even after months of training, i couldn't get the 6" circumference plug in, so a fan bought me a 5.5" one. i have used it twice, maybe three times now. Each time it goes in, i cry out. Not at the beginning, middle, but at the end when the plug tapers back in. Right at the base. The cramps come, and i cry out, thinking 'i can't do this.' But i endure. i can do it. i must do it.

i am rambling and i have no idea what i am even trying to say.

i had to cancel today with my ivy, and i feel like such a failure. i feel like i need to make E/everyone happy, and i have failed my job when i cannot. i realize i need to take care of myself, as well, but i always wish i could do that without having to let A/anyone else down in the process.

my sleep hasn't been good lately. i am unsure why. Something is just OFF, and i don't know how to get back to right.

i am going to continue training, lay down, watch some shows about tribal people. Lately, that's all i want to watch. i want to learn about other cultures, why people do things, what rituals they have, what institutions they follow. Finding out about others, perhaps, helps me find out about myself.

Here is hoping i find myself again quickly.

Today i signed my slave contract. i thank my gracious Domina for the honour to sign away my freedom, and to sign into my slavehood.

To commemorate my entry into slavehood, i have a new term of endearment and worship for my Domina: my Lady, Star of the Sea.

The term "Our Lady, Star of the Sea" refers originally to the Virgin Mary. The title was used to emphasize Mary's role as a sign of hope and as a guiding star for Christians.

In the twelfth-century, Saint Bernard of Clairvaux wrote:

"If the winds of temptation arise; If you are driven upon the rocks of tribulation look to the star, call on Mary; If you are tossed upon the waves of pride, of ambition, of envy, of rivalry, look to the star, call on Mary. Should anger, or avarice, or fleshly desire violently assail the frail vessel of your soul, look at the star, call upon Mary."

Domina is my Star, my guidance through the sea of life. To Her i look for guidance and growth. To Her i look during troubled times. To Her i pray for growth, for acceptance and love.

To my Domina, my Seraphina, my Lady, Star of the Sea, i pledge my slavehood.

Tomorrow i fly out to Vegas. i have a shoot with Danumedia on Tuesday and Wednesday.

i really hate leaving town. i suppose it's a good thing though. It shows me just how much this town, this place, this position is my home.

This weekend has been good. Friday was the Ms. San Diego Leather pride after party. i had a good time, as did E/everyone else, i think. The party went well, and it was nice to have an event where other people did the setup and cleanup!

Yesterday Domina and i went to the Ms. San Diego Leather contest. W/we got to watch Mickey on stage. And apparently, if Y/you compete in the contest, Mickey gets to be in Y/your fantasy. True story that hy will hate me retelling. :P

W/we got to meet lots of great folks. Mickey introduced U/us to Sister Ida Know (sp?) from the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. W/we found out that cisgendered females can join, which is exciting. i am unsure if either Domina or i have time, but it's nice to know W/we have the option of joining.

i also met Pup, who is an elder in the Leather Puppy community. i look forward to finding out more about that community, and the puppy items one can earn. i love puppy stuffs! He had a puppy bone on his collar, and i have one too! (Which is interesting, as who knew Tiffany's would be marketing to queer puppy girls!)

i am going to go to sleep early tonight, as i am simply exhausted. It was a good weekend, but busy. And i always get very tired after a beating, especially when it's to the point of tears. i am much calmer and less anxious, but i still haven't caught up on my sleeping.

Luckily tomorrow is just a travel day, and i don't shoot until Tuesday. And i get to see Rex and Pug when i go to Vegas, which is always nice. Seeing friends helps make up for leaving my Home.

Today i got my fireflies tattoos updated. i had a spiral added around each, with shading and more stars. i hope they finally look to be fireflies, as E/everyone always calls them bees. Why is it that any creature with wings and a segmented body is a bee?

This past week has been tiring. i have been trying to stay constant with my writing. Yesterday was too emotional and exhausting, so i simply rested, per Domina's wishes.

The tattoo sitting today was 2 hours - 1 per side. It's the longest i have ever sat for a tattoo.

i did a lot of breathing exercises to allow my body to accept, rather than fight, the pain. Breathing also helps your body not tense up, which aids in lessening the pain.

i listened to music for a bit, and then finished up the tattoo with NPR episodes (Fresh Air, if you're curious). Listening to my iPod allowed me to focus on something other than the pain. Sadly, Domina couldn't sit next to me. Generally, when i get a tattoo, i tell the accompanying person to tell me stories or just talk about anything, so i'm distracted.

Mickey suggested to me that perhaps a tattoo is what i needed right now. i do think 2 hours of fairly constant pain was helpful. i did not have a breakdown, but i feel i did something thinking without it being a conscious thing. i was able to let go some of my stress and hurt and worry through the pain experience.

i am happy with the way the tattoos turned out. Later i will post pictures of them. i took some with my cam, but i am too exhausted to upload them to my webspace right now, as that means downloading and setting up an FTP program. i'm on a different laptop while mine gets fixed, so i don't have all of that setup.

Today i had a photo shoot. It ran a little over, but i think the extra time was worth it.

That ate up most of my day. The commute plus shooting took a big bite out of the day and exhausted me.

i did go see my tattoo design though. i think it will come out nicely. It wasn't at all what i had imagined, but i think i like the idea better than what i had imagined. i'm still thinking about it and absorbing. The appointment isn't until Thursday. i gave myself time to really sleep on the design, and make sure i like it.

i don't really have the energy for a real post today. i wanted to make sure i wrote something, just to keep myself in the habit of writing in my journal.

i've been a bit introspective these last few days.

i did finally watch Saw V. i really adore the Saw series. Some day, i will have to buy them all (well i do own a used copy of Saw III already). Saw V was the least gorey, which is always good in my book. The changes in time really confused me at first, but it wrapped up nicely. i can definitely see how a sixth one is being made.

i also watched RuPaul's Drag Race last night. i am very glad the Queen who got sent home was axed. She annoyed me. Though Ms. Glasscock needs to go soon too.

Goodnight all.