Lately i have been so anxious. i am not really sure why i am anxious, or how to fix it. It's many things all thrown together, so it's almost impossible to weed out the offending topic and fix it.

i smoke later at night, and as soon as i do, i start panicking about the littlest things. After every message i send, i wonder if i will offend the person. i rethink what i wrote, wondering how it could be taken wrong. i overanalyze all my actions that day, wondering what was wrong.

There's no one telling me i am wrong. i just worry.

i have been grinding my teeth again. my jaw is sore.

To help my anxiety, i work supersuper hard for a few hours, then play video games. It helps to balance me out and help me relax. Just cram the work into a few hours, knowing i can escape later.

Also, a note: my high heel training has ended. my left knee started to ache, and so it was decided that the training should end.

New default icon. It is a smaller version of ( this picture (NSFW: boobs) )

As part of my slavehood, i have high heel training. What this means is that i am not allowed to walk in flat shoes unless at home (ie, slippers). i am also allowed to walk flatfooted when barefoot.

High heel training was something that interested me since i found out about it. i do like the idea of changing my body through a willful act, such as wearing high heel shoes. i like the idea that i am changing my body under my Domina's guidance and will. i think i will grow to feel more graceful and feminine.

Right now, mostly my feet hurt. i do delight in the sore feet, though, as a sort of badge for my training.

i find that i need to be better put together. One cannot throw on sweats, an old tshirt, and a pair of heels. Generally, the outfits need to be less casual and more put together. i do like the idea of putting together outfits, especially when my Domina comments on my appearance.

There is an aspect of it that is bringing to light insecurities of mine. With being more focused on my appearance, in terms of shoes and clothes, it makes me notice my skin more.

i haven't really discussed my skin much. It's an issue that is really causing me a lot of emotional grief. i have had clear-ish skin for most of my life, until recently. i am always broken out, and have red marks from past breakouts. As a model, i am selling my appearance. my skin issues have made me feel like less of a model, less of a woman, less attractive period.

Some might question if the high heel training is a good idea, if it is causing me insecurities. The training is not; it is simply highlighting what was already there. Certainly by having more put together clothes and shoes, my confidence in my appearance can only increase. my insecurities about my face might be more present, since i have worked on other things.

i am working on myself, to face my insecurities. For awhile, i would not leave the house without makeup on. i realized i was only prolonging the breakouts, because the makeup probably wasn't allowing my face to breathe. i've started not wearing foundation except for events and photo shoots.

This entry is a bit disjointed, as it is 3am. my roommate brought his girlfriend over to watch a movie on his new tv, and they left around 2am. i have grown accustomed to sleeping in an empty apartment, and i find myself unable to fully fall asleep when he is here. i also felt odd about showering with her here, so i did that after they left. Lofts are rather awkward sometimes.

Off to watch some tv as i fall asleep...

Being in service to my Sera means that i am must serve Her properly in all aspects of thought and action.

i must do everything in my power to be the best slave possible. As a proper slave, i must put my Sera first above everything else. i must change myself to be the best slave She desires. i must not have wants, needs or expectations. i must shape myself to desire and appreciate what is gifted to me.

i must comply with any and all orders given to me. i must follow orders even when i do not understand them, agree with them, or like them. i must follow orders completely and without question or hesitation. i must complete any and all tasks given to me to the best of my ability. If my ability is not enough to complete the task, then i must gain the skills needed if possible. i must be honest about my shortcomings, if i cannot complete the orders given to me.

i must reserve my body only for my Sera. It is not to be touched by A/anyone else, including myself. i am not to desire A/anyone but Her. i am not to engage in sexual activity with A/anyone but Her, unless She approves otherwise. i am to remain chaste unless told to be otherwise.

At all times, i must remember that i am a reflection of my Sera. i am to impress others with my service, protocol, skills, etc. so that they are impressed with my Sera. i am to remember my place at all times, that i am a slave at all times, and act accordingly. There is no time when i am not a slave and there is no time when i am not in service.

i must do what is best for my Sera. my concern should always be to make my Sera's life happier and easier. This means following orders as given, but also making decisions on my own with this goal in mind.

Being in service means allowing my Sera to guide me, shape me, and determine who and what She wants me to be. i am an empty vessel and She will transform me into what She desires. i am not to demand or to expect transformation, but i am to embrace it.

Finally, being in service to my Sera means doing anything and everything She desires, orders and wishes. Being in service is shaped by Her, and thus i can only lay the foundations. Being in service to Her is an honor and a gift, of which She has complete control.

Some of Y/you might remember my steamy Red Chair photoshoot.

Well, now the Red Chair is having a contest!



Click on the image above to vote for me! Or visit: http://www.redchaircash.com/contest/

There is no registration needed, and Y/you can vote once a day.

The winners will be announced on July 1.

Thank Y/you!

i just finished my punishment for my earlier transgression. The punishment was:

Week One: 20 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger each night
Week Two: 30 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger each night
Week Three: 40 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger each night
Ending Night: 46 strokes of self-flagellation with a rubber flogger

(Please note this rubber flogger was not one of the smaller ones, but one of the hefty floggers with thicker rubber tails. Each tail ends in a diagonal cut.)

i have been ordered to finish the punishment by now forgiving myself.

i have to admit, the punishment did help me. i was already terribly horribly upset at what i had done. (And again, no, what i did will not be discussed.) However, i had no idea on how to repent and move on to better service.

The punishment allowed me to feel that i was doing something to repent. i was following my Domina's orders, doing what She felt was necessary. i made sure that each stroke was a good one, not counting the strokes that didn't hit right and were thus weaker.

By the last week, i had learned how to twist my hand while self-flagellating, to make the ends sting more. i often wrapped to make the pain worse. i felt i needed to do everything in my power to make my physical suffering the worst it could be. i feel i was also fueled on by the lack of marks. i know that flogger can cut, but i think self-flagellation is at such an angle where it is very difficult to achieve such force. As such, i decided that marks wouldn't come, but i could wrap and splay the ends to make them sting.

i often would do my punishment before showering, so that the hot water would hit the raw skin and make it burn. One time i did reverse it, and it did make the strokes hurt more.

Now that i am done, i am unsure of what to say. i am in a bit of a weird emotional space from the weekend, with my cat having gone psycho because my friend stayed, at the fact that my friend is now gone back to Vegas, and with the general stress of having an event over the weekend. However, the negative is also balanced with the love for my Domina and the happiness at seeing Her have a good birthday. So i am weirdly happy and depressed at the same time.

i am thankful that i was allowed to have a punishment. i am thankful that i was given something to ease my pain, as that is something i probably don't even deserve. i am most thankful for my Domina ordering me to forgive myself.

i don't want to make this all about me and my pain. But i really needed Her order to do so. As many submissives and slaves know, there are things you simply cannot do for yourself, but can do for your Dom(me). For me, i am unable to forgive myself for me, but if She desires me to do so, then i must.

Through following Her orders, i am granted the inner peace of being allowed to forgive myself. i cannot say that it's a light switch, turned off and now i'm 100% better. But i know She wants me to forgive myself, and so i put all my energy behind doing so.

In following Her orders, in following Her wishes, in following Her desires ... i cannot fail.

Guilt.

It's something that is eating me up inside and making things worse for me.

The problem is: i should feel guilty. i did something wrong, and i should feel bad for it. i shouldn't get the luxury of getting over it easily.

The issue is: what do i do when my guilt is so bad that it's causing me to continue to fuck up?

my guilt is causing my DID to act up, because the intensity of emotion i feel is too great. i hate myself inside and thus i want to run away. i try my best to stay present, but all i can do is wish i was someone else. That's a very dangerous thing to wish when you are multiple.

So i have been half present, co-conscious with other parts of myself. The other parts don't realize my place as a slave. They don't realize the things i need to remember, to take into consideration, to live by.

So without realizing, i upset my Domina again on Sunday. Something big wasn't present in my mind, and i acted without considering it.

Did i forget it? Sort of. DID is hard to explain. Once someone reminds me of something, i automatically remember it. But if they don't mention it, it's like it doesn't exist.

i don't want to use my DID as an excuse. i am trying everything i can do to get back to my good place. i have talked to my alters, to make sure they realize it's important that everyone lives up to the expectations i have taken on. i have tried to put rules into place to ensure that i do not mess up again.

It comes back to guilt. Guilt caused me to shrink back into myself. Shrinking back caused another mistake. That mistake caused more guilt.

i have been researching the internet, trying to find discussions of getting over guilt. It hasn't been very fruitful yet.

i feel bad even posting this here. i don't want people to go "oh it's okay" to me. i don't want compassion. i don't want comfort. i don't believe i deserve any of those things.

i guess that's the issue: i don't want to let go of the guilt yet. i feel i need to suffer, far more than i have so far, in order to truly be considered worthy again. i feel that suffering will cleanse me, perhaps, of what i have done.

But i cannot let this be about me. Even by saying i don't want comfort, i am making my guilt the most important. Serving is the most important thing, and i need to focus on that.

i am doing everything in my power to make sure that i don't fuck up again. To make sure that i ask for everything, check in on everything, do everything i should be doing.

i just really hate who i am lately.

The world is dark, loud, and confusing.

i am not sure if i am awake or asleep.
i am not sure if i am sober or high.
i am not sure if i am alive or dead.

i hate being in this place. A place which is neither real nor fake. A place which is everything and nothing.

Everything is there, if i think hard enough. But nothing is there if i am not reminded of it.

It is in this place where i feel like i could lose control, where i feel like i could get lost and never find my way back, the place where i feel really insane.

And i hate being me in times like these.

Since Friday i have been feeling 'half here.' That is the best way to describe a period of dissociation.

i know, vaguely, where i am, who i am, what time it is, etc. But i don't really FEEL those things.

i look around and can see that i live in a loft in downtown San Diego. i can look at my collar and see i am a slave to Domina Angelina. i can look at Zim and see i have a pet cat.

But i don't feel like these things are real.

Dissociation is quite difficult for me, being a slave. i need to be on. i need to be focused. i need to know who i am in order to serve.

i went to Palm Sunday Mass today. That helped a bit. i always feel a bit calmer after going to Mass. i got my palms (which was really a single palm 'leaf' rather than a whole frond) and even bought a palm tree from the store.

Right now i am doing my anal training (at 5.5" circumference now), trying to refocus into my body. The 5.5" plug is bigger than normal, as my other one was 5". Even after months of training, i couldn't get the 6" circumference plug in, so a fan bought me a 5.5" one. i have used it twice, maybe three times now. Each time it goes in, i cry out. Not at the beginning, middle, but at the end when the plug tapers back in. Right at the base. The cramps come, and i cry out, thinking 'i can't do this.' But i endure. i can do it. i must do it.

i am rambling and i have no idea what i am even trying to say.

i had to cancel today with my ivy, and i feel like such a failure. i feel like i need to make E/everyone happy, and i have failed my job when i cannot. i realize i need to take care of myself, as well, but i always wish i could do that without having to let A/anyone else down in the process.

my sleep hasn't been good lately. i am unsure why. Something is just OFF, and i don't know how to get back to right.

i am going to continue training, lay down, watch some shows about tribal people. Lately, that's all i want to watch. i want to learn about other cultures, why people do things, what rituals they have, what institutions they follow. Finding out about others, perhaps, helps me find out about myself.

Here is hoping i find myself again quickly.

Today i signed my slave contract. i thank my gracious Domina for the honour to sign away my freedom, and to sign into my slavehood.

To commemorate my entry into slavehood, i have a new term of endearment and worship for my Domina: my Lady, Star of the Sea.

The term "Our Lady, Star of the Sea" refers originally to the Virgin Mary. The title was used to emphasize Mary's role as a sign of hope and as a guiding star for Christians.

In the twelfth-century, Saint Bernard of Clairvaux wrote:

"If the winds of temptation arise; If you are driven upon the rocks of tribulation look to the star, call on Mary; If you are tossed upon the waves of pride, of ambition, of envy, of rivalry, look to the star, call on Mary. Should anger, or avarice, or fleshly desire violently assail the frail vessel of your soul, look at the star, call upon Mary."

Domina is my Star, my guidance through the sea of life. To Her i look for guidance and growth. To Her i look during troubled times. To Her i pray for growth, for acceptance and love.

To my Domina, my Seraphina, my Lady, Star of the Sea, i pledge my slavehood.

Tomorrow i fly out to Vegas. i have a shoot with Danumedia on Tuesday and Wednesday.

i really hate leaving town. i suppose it's a good thing though. It shows me just how much this town, this place, this position is my home.

This weekend has been good. Friday was the Ms. San Diego Leather pride after party. i had a good time, as did E/everyone else, i think. The party went well, and it was nice to have an event where other people did the setup and cleanup!

Yesterday Domina and i went to the Ms. San Diego Leather contest. W/we got to watch Mickey on stage. And apparently, if Y/you compete in the contest, Mickey gets to be in Y/your fantasy. True story that hy will hate me retelling. :P

W/we got to meet lots of great folks. Mickey introduced U/us to Sister Ida Know (sp?) from the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence. W/we found out that cisgendered females can join, which is exciting. i am unsure if either Domina or i have time, but it's nice to know W/we have the option of joining.

i also met Pup, who is an elder in the Leather Puppy community. i look forward to finding out more about that community, and the puppy items one can earn. i love puppy stuffs! He had a puppy bone on his collar, and i have one too! (Which is interesting, as who knew Tiffany's would be marketing to queer puppy girls!)

i am going to go to sleep early tonight, as i am simply exhausted. It was a good weekend, but busy. And i always get very tired after a beating, especially when it's to the point of tears. i am much calmer and less anxious, but i still haven't caught up on my sleeping.

Luckily tomorrow is just a travel day, and i don't shoot until Tuesday. And i get to see Rex and Pug when i go to Vegas, which is always nice. Seeing friends helps make up for leaving my Home.

Today i got my fireflies tattoos updated. i had a spiral added around each, with shading and more stars. i hope they finally look to be fireflies, as E/everyone always calls them bees. Why is it that any creature with wings and a segmented body is a bee?

This past week has been tiring. i have been trying to stay constant with my writing. Yesterday was too emotional and exhausting, so i simply rested, per Domina's wishes.

The tattoo sitting today was 2 hours - 1 per side. It's the longest i have ever sat for a tattoo.

i did a lot of breathing exercises to allow my body to accept, rather than fight, the pain. Breathing also helps your body not tense up, which aids in lessening the pain.

i listened to music for a bit, and then finished up the tattoo with NPR episodes (Fresh Air, if you're curious). Listening to my iPod allowed me to focus on something other than the pain. Sadly, Domina couldn't sit next to me. Generally, when i get a tattoo, i tell the accompanying person to tell me stories or just talk about anything, so i'm distracted.

Mickey suggested to me that perhaps a tattoo is what i needed right now. i do think 2 hours of fairly constant pain was helpful. i did not have a breakdown, but i feel i did something thinking without it being a conscious thing. i was able to let go some of my stress and hurt and worry through the pain experience.

i am happy with the way the tattoos turned out. Later i will post pictures of them. i took some with my cam, but i am too exhausted to upload them to my webspace right now, as that means downloading and setting up an FTP program. i'm on a different laptop while mine gets fixed, so i don't have all of that setup.

Today i had a photo shoot. It ran a little over, but i think the extra time was worth it.

That ate up most of my day. The commute plus shooting took a big bite out of the day and exhausted me.

i did go see my tattoo design though. i think it will come out nicely. It wasn't at all what i had imagined, but i think i like the idea better than what i had imagined. i'm still thinking about it and absorbing. The appointment isn't until Thursday. i gave myself time to really sleep on the design, and make sure i like it.

i don't really have the energy for a real post today. i wanted to make sure i wrote something, just to keep myself in the habit of writing in my journal.

i've been a bit introspective these last few days.

i did finally watch Saw V. i really adore the Saw series. Some day, i will have to buy them all (well i do own a used copy of Saw III already). Saw V was the least gorey, which is always good in my book. The changes in time really confused me at first, but it wrapped up nicely. i can definitely see how a sixth one is being made.

i also watched RuPaul's Drag Race last night. i am very glad the Queen who got sent home was axed. She annoyed me. Though Ms. Glasscock needs to go soon too.

Goodnight all.

i'm a bit distracted in my head today. So i will write a short post, as i mentioned before, regarding my DID.

What is DID?

According to Wikipedia, DID is "a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a single person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities (known as alter egos or alters), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms cannot be due to drug use or medical condition. Earlier versions of the DSM named the condition multiple personality disorder (MPD), and the term is still used by the ICD-10."

DID also means that sometimes i simply "zone out." Ever drive home and suddenly, you've arrived, only you have no idea how you made the trip? That's dissociation. Now imagine that happening regularly, and sometimes for hours on end. When i get stressed, i can dissociate and lose time.

Also, sometimes i will mildly dissociate. i will still be present, but everything will seem weird and strange. i might not know where i am, when it is, who you are, or what i was doing. Reminding me of these things can help. i have learned ways to reconnect with reality as well.

When did i first display signs of DID?

This is a difficult question, but i would say by age 5 i was most likely already split. The alters that i have are generally stuck at the age of creation, which is the age at which abuse occurred. my history of sexual and physical abuse starts before age 3, so i've been this way almost all my life.

How many alters do i have?

Sleeping alter - This alter never wakes up. i sleep to hide from the world. This alter never feels comfortable waking up, and therefore lots of times i have issues telling if i am awake or not. This alter does not take over to where i black out, only makes me unsure if i am sleeping or awake.

Andrew - He is around 3. He is the youngest. He is very sweet and innocent and outgoing.

Dre - She is a little older, around 4-5. She is a sweet little girl who likes little girl things like glitter and puppies and toys.

Aidan - He is the oldest child, around 6-7. He is a brat and is cranky. He comes out as Teddy, my stuffy. He is the Protector. This means he often doesn't like people outside of the body, because he doesn't trust them. He also was the one who self-injured, because he would punish the body so we'd stay good and safe.

Unnamed teenager - She is around 15. Hasn't come up with a name yet. She is angry, especially with being touched. She is resentful to men.

Kyra - The only adult alter. She is of an undetermined age. When things get stressful and someone needs to be unemotional, logical, and get things done, Kyra will take over. Kyra is the main one who will cause full blackouts for me.

What happens when i switch?

Depending on the cause of the switch, it can be very minor or quite noticeable. When i am happy, then i will sometimes switch into kid voice. When i see puppies, i almost always become a kid. They adore puppies.

When i am triggered or in subspace, sometimes the switch becomes more severe. i have had a few days where i was Dre, and unable to do regular things. i had to be told what to do, just as a little kid would need instructions. This type of switch can last much longer. Often i will switch back after sleep, though if emotions are high, i can remain gone for the duration of emotions.

How should someone interact with my alters?

They will love to talk to you, if you wish to talk to them. Sometimes they are shy, but once you are accepting of them, they just love to say hello.

They do NOT appreciate being told that they are not real. They do NOT appreciate being told that they should go away. They see themselves as real people inside of me, and want to be treated as such.

The kid alters are sometimes hard to tell apart via voice. Aidan has a gruff voice, but Dre and Andrew sound almost the same. Only i can tell them apart, and not even all the time. When in doubt, ask who it is. They will certainly tell you if you get it wrong!

The boy alters wish to be seen as boys. They feel like boys, even though the body is that of a cisgendered woman.

What should someone do if i switch?

Don't freak out. Talk to the alter. They will talk back. The more worried you get, the more they will feel the need to protect me, and thus the longer i might be gone.

Don't make me feel like a freak for having DID. The more you can accept that this is who i am, the less broken i feel.

When others freak out about me being DID, it makes me feel like i have to hide parts of myself. i want to know it's okay to switch in front of those i love, and they will accept me, all of me, for who i am.

Are there any good books on DID?

The only book that i would really recommend is:
Amongst Ourselves by Karen Marshall.

Karen is my old therapist, and is DID herself. It's one book that explains DID without going into awful discussions of abuse.

Did i name myself Sybil after the book/movie?

Yes. The name Sybil was on a list of modeling names given to me by one company, and i thought it was just too apropos and hilarious. Therefore i became known as Sybil, and later added Hawthorne (maternal grandfather's ancestral family name).

March is Question and Answer month.

Ask me anything. i’ll answer in an upcoming post.

Anonymous commenting allowed for this post.

Why did Y/you choose Domina Angelina as Y/your Domme?

Upon meeting Domina, i felt a different energy in Her than most. i feel She is loving while sadistic, nurturing while strict. i learned the hard way that not all Dommes are here to help you grow. i could feel from the first moment i met Her that She was different. i feel that Domina and i have had a lot of the same life experiences, though each unique as well. i feel Wwe are a good fit, and that She is the one to help me grow into who i need to become. i feel that i also can help Her see Her beauty and worth, and i love being able to do that for Her.

How do Y/you see Domina Angelina helping Y/you grow? What path do you think She will take Y/you down in Y/your growth?

my Domina has already done so much for me. i never expected to be a proSwitch. i never expected to become a Majordomo. But at the same time, it fits so well. It is hard to say where i will be in the future, for i feel that Domina sees that better than i do. i want to grow in my own personal power, which i feel Domina truly helps me explore. i want to become not only accepting but loving of myself. i see myself being with Domina and Dungeon Servitus for a very long time, and i want to continue to serve Her, Her dungeon, and Her community in ways that She sees fit.

i would also love to get on the path of education like Domina has taken. i feel that i can serve Her well by expressing my learnings with Oothers.

What are Y/your hard limits with Domina Angelina?

As a slave, i don't really have hard limits. i suppose my only true hard limit now is nothing that will cause psychological harm. i know that, unlike other slaves, i do have areas that cannot be touched right now, due to my physical and sexual abuse. Even without listing these areas, i believe Domina is aware of my limitations due to my abuse and will not cause me harm. Therefore i suppose i can say there are no limits, as i trust in Her to never push into an area that would damage me. i know She loves me and will only do things to make me grow.

Happy day!

http://www.slaveregister.com/154-918-890

Today i went in full boy drag for the first time ever. It was uncanny and strange but also really amazing.

i don't know if i'm able or ready to talk about the feelings and thoughts it stirred up in me.

i've IDed as bigendered for a few years now, however i've never done full drag. As i took a shower tonight, i realized: putting it out there, going in drag and expressing that side, is scary. i am so afraid people will laugh at me. So i never did drag. i would sometimes bind. i would wear boy clothes. But i never did anything to fully express that i was anything different than a "normal" female.

So finally taking that step was scary. E/everyone was very supportive and told me i looked hott. i guess there was just part of me, the part that giggled, that was afraid at any moment someone would say i was ridiculous and stupid for dressing that way.

i'll come back to this topic later when i have thought longer about it, and have more energy.

In the meantime, here are two pictures of me in drag. Much thanks to my D/s brother muki for the styling and makeup!

Tonight's post will be short, as i am quickly running out of energy for this week.

Tomorrow is the Gender Deviance workshop. i am looking forward to muki dressing me in boy drag, and i get to help muki with hys high femme makeup!

Speaking of makeup, i am a proud owner of a Hello Kitty MAC compact, with the cutest design on the front in Swarovski crystals. my Domina is the best. She adores MAC and Hello Kitty just like i do. Wwe went into Nordstroms and walked out with quite a few bags of items!

i love that my Domina finds me special enough to spoil. i treasure every item i receive from Her, and it makes me feel like a princess. Her love makes me feel beautiful and special, and for that, i give Her the gift of my slavery, my submission, my life.

i love You, my Sera!